Nessie

Home 

is not a lovely place to go

it's a lovely place to stay.

You keep it inside 

even when you go away.

I've been creeping along the swampy bottom

of Loch Ness,

not sure if I should raise my head

and keep the myth alive

or suffocate in the ancient sludge

and go the way of a broken hearted child,

back to her dark room,

learning that it was, after all,

just a story,

but leaving the door cracked open

just enough

for the sliver of doubt to slide through

on the tail of a fairy goblin 

in the night when no one can see.

Home

is not a place like no other

it's a place that's the same.

Everywhere you go

leads back from where you came.

Stuff

Humans,

I don't know how we do it,

accumulating so many things

with such inadequate capacities 

to keep them

or let them go.

We pay just to have them stored away

in places we never go,

we pay rent for displacement

of belongings

not to view 

but to just know that they're there

or forget entirely what's ours or theirs

out of sight and out of mind

at least we don't have to be denied

or tortured undecided.

In our locker

on the third floor 

of the U-Store

I become a whore 

to my inner hoarder

and stock more 

than there was before.

Open Wide

With a bitter pill 

to swallow 

your pride

keep a stiff upper lip

service in stride

suck up your gut

feeling

the heat 

you can't hide

from, come 

take it with a grain of salt

of the down to earth

and the wire

at both ends tied

the knot

so open wide.

Re-evolvolution

This counts for yesterday,

a half hour later

I'm not ready for the time to change.

It's not fair

how I get carried away, that

nothing can ever stay the same

for long enough to feel through

or equipped to be new -

nothing can ever get old enough,

except me,

I plan to degenerate, re-evolve

and ecstatically elapse into collapse.

I'll meet you back where

now has passed us by.

A word

A word to the weary
from a traveler road wise
don't stay in the lanes
but don't cross over the lines
you can see this more clearly
when your eyes become bleary
so go for your blind spot
and be leery
you'll get caught.

A word for the old hearted
from a hunter loved young
don't stray from the beat
and don't fight with a tied tongue
follow the tracks that get set apart
then stay to far away
get ready to kick start
your will to kill
I feel
is really
the state of art.

Survivalism

Some days gottaway with me,

I didn't mean to, maybe I was happy,

don't ask me to prove it, though.

But my feelings unleash themselves into words

much more when I am despair ate than heart full.

Isn't that just the way?

It's like - when there's no where else to turn - where do you go?

If the pain is too much to take and the cure makes it worse - 

I mean - you go into survival mode.

There's something that a life guard told me.

If you try to save someone, they will, at first,

try to push your body underwater as they wrangle for air.

The instinct for survival entails 

drowning the one person who can rescue you

and no one gets out alive - so what do you do?

What do you do?

You wait.

You wait, patient.

You wait, and they finally tire, 

they might feel like they're going to die,

but it's more -

they give up enough so they can be taken to shore.

It's that moment when you are just about to give up

that you have a chance to live.

Another Reminder

If you need to remember,

just remember,

but don't look back.

The fork in the road bent over -

it'll stab you in the tongue

if you put it in your mouth.

This is no way to feed yourself

unless you want to bleed.

Don't forget if you need to remember

don't look back.

You'll become a column of sodium

or blind from the light of a dying star.

The silver spoon lost its shine -

it'll never hold you over

if you shove it in your throat.

This is no way to consume

unless you want to throw up.

Remember,  here you are where you are

writing down words as if they were

worth remembering.

But what is done you already know

it's gone but you want to hold on

and thinking about what will be is scary,

an impossible mystery to solve

without living it out

so the gravity of change pulls you down

and makes you remember

What Rhymes with Me

What rhymes with me
is licorice tea,
medjool dates and sweet peas
with sunflower seeds,
organic veggies,
fruit from trees
and the sea,
the thick sticky wares of the busy buzzing bees.

What rhymes with me
is the nick in my knee,
the scar I can see
and the cost to be free,
sharp whips of breeze
that kick up my debris
the sick tricky curse of my big bad budding disease.

Anniverse

Back on this day
I was in a very fetal way
As my hosts said their vows
I planned my break from the bough
I laid in wait
for the gate to dilate -
the union beween two
would soon grow askew.

So while rings were exchanged
I became less estranged
and hurled towards the world
where the fetus unfurled.
But back on this day
I was still tucked away -
and there were only two
the captain and the kangaroo.

Employed

Call me lucky
for being counted out of the rate
of those wayward souls stomping the pavement
for work or something like it
tiptoeing in the cloudy mist of not knowing
dashing but hardly even going -
Sickly, I am jealous.
I have a desk laid out in front of me,
a bulletin board on the horizon
stuck with images of my own choosing
places far away
a photo of someone I wish was closer
I am connected to the web
I flow and I ebb
I am gainfully pained
and an idle stiff
Don't forget to remind me to count myself lucky
I am fed by the mouth that eats me
Thankfully I am on the bright side of a statistic
and remain so, cautiously capitalistic.

Chain of Command

I felt it

in the pit of my forehead

even before waking

I dreamed it was there 

I was trying to tell you 

I felt it

even before I dreamed it

even before I felt it

I knew it

I was trying to tell you 

I knew it

even before I knew it

I saw it

it was at a distance 

but I saw it and I knew it

so I dreamed it until

I felt it 

for real

in the pit of my forehead

it's still there

I am trying to tell you

it's still here

I Need You

Afternoon breaks

and you are still sleeping

I do what I can

to stop myself from eating

I'm so sick of waiting

I'm so empty inside

I want you to join me

as I watch the moon rise.

The anxiety builds

I feel so rejected

why can't we share time

instead of living disconnected?

Like the sun and the moon

we move in the sky

As you say good morning

I say good night.

I know it's not me

it's the way that you are

I have been trying so hard

to live on your star.

But I shine full of light

from the love that we share

I can hardly complain

about each little tear

that splits us in two

of what's me, what is you

and it's so hard to tell

if I'm sick 

or I'm well.

An Old Song

I've got a song

it sits here in my head

no one can hear it

so I sing it to myself instead

I've got a heart

it swells like yeast in your bread

rises so high inside

it's meant to keep you fed

Never a change, never a chance, never a choice

it's so strange in its dance it's my voice

I've got some words

they come out of this pen

anyone can read them

if I leave my book open

I've got a head

it thinks it's insane

I can't let it show

now I've proved myself wrong again

I've got these arms

hands and fingers write down words

they reach from inside

unfurl the wings of your birds

Never a change, never a chance, never a choice

in exchange I advance and rejoice

Pacifier

Your pain is too much for me to bear

my heart scampers for shelter in a shower of ammunition

you have unloaded with the tone of your voice -

it scatters in the pattern of spaces between words

by the speed at which you hang up the phone.

Death beacons me when I feel this alone

so I stand in the line of fire and pray to be blown 

away, the pain

it is too much for me to bear but I'm still here

stuck inside a shot gun shell of fear.

Can I hold on to faith,

and just know that it will be ok, please?

Ok, it will be ok, ok?  Yes, yes, and I love you.

Despite it all, it's the love that keeps us whole.

The Gatekeepers

Wild parrots sing in spikey trees
that line the road back to therapy
my game is to spot them as I wait for the light
they are hidden within then appear to take flight
I know that they're there but too green to seen
they mark the places where I've been in between

Help

In the face of a blank page I take a bite of an apple
but nothing comes,
Anyway, I thank it for giving its life for mine,
chew and swallow, faster and faster,
desperate to be full,
I hardly have time to breathe.
The experience comes and goes before I know it.
The fruit of knowledge is wasted on me
because I was so over ravenous,
I consumed the words before they could be formed
the page now only shows what could have been
but got devoured in transit.
I am trying to catch back my breath.

Home

The mind is sharp
but the pencil is dull
Hard are the lines
but soft is the skull
My body is tense
but I wrote this with ease
the words become heated
as I'm starting to freeze.

Give me a chance
to say what I feel
All that I've lost
I've learned how to steal
Wishes are whispered
that are meant to be heard
I've taken the poison
though I want to be cured.

The road going forward
comes back in the end
Progress regresses
contracts and extends
Take me away
though I want to stay here
the farther I go
the more I am near.

The First Song

Breathe in,

and then let it out

Don't forget to 

open your little mouth

Keep listening to the sounds you hear inside 

break apart

you can't make it stop

and you can't go back to the start 

the start the start the start

Let go,

of all you have and hold

Don't regret

surrender your self control

Remember the tune you lose

is still inside of you

You can't ever give up,

no you can't change the way you move

you move you moved you move

From the place where you learned

to be seen

not heard

look pretty but don't sing a word

lip synch

the lines

your voice is ugly, you will be terrified

so hold

your tongue

deep inside

and believe desire is a lie a lie a lie

Once they told you

keep it down

Now it's time to get out

from underneath the ROCK

what are you hiding from?

Step into the light, let the shadows come!

Breathe out,

then raise your voice and sing

Waves of sound come crashing down

evaporating

Nature has her way - 

keeps coming around again, keeps coming around again

keeps coming around again

Until you understand

the choice you're contemplating

has already been made.

Returning

As luck would not have it

we got sucked back in the habit

so virtuous at first

faith got lost in the verse

Confessions, no less,

dissipated when spoken

as incenses smoke

and prayers whispered broken

We see the domes, the steeples

the golden crosses

and homes of dead people

we take the stairs

to where they don't end

the gateway to heaven

in the love of my best friend

When the days grew dark again

our breath drew in amen

we returned to the ground

with the new light we found

The Birth of Versus

Sideways, backwards, twisted inside out

all I've known turned over to doubt

Longways, short cut, father but near

every direction comes closer to fear

Taken by strangers, outcasted from friends

all over roads will begin where they end

Questioned believers, put faith in deceit

the truths they disclose will diverge where they meet

Then when I found a place to call home

I realized the door was blocked off with stone

Wounded by trying to dig my way in

I mastered the games I must forfeit to win

Upwards, downwards, moving about

always heading away from the safe route

Climbing and falling, front at the rear

every move brings me father from here

Let there be light

An idea breaks through the confusion looming,
clouds of thought momentarily shift and light shines at just the precise time
a fleeting fancy presents itself,
illuminated enough to see it and it sticks.
It is so rare that these forces align.
Mostly I try to forget enlightenment,
it brings with it too much responsibility, to do,
and regret when left undone,
too much to let go but not enough to hold on to.
In the end, just another opportunity dead
and a promise left over to mourn.
He says "Why can't this be enough?"
So I thought what would be wrong writing a little,
dare I say poetry? Yuck. How conceited!
No, verse, a daily testimonial
of darkness and light, what is and isn't,
verse, vice versa. Just some thoughts that come
through--they could deserve some words, why not?
I may create a clearer illusion of whoever I am,
in the light, it might be enough.